muscleluvr2:

oh youre a son? name 5 of your parents

me: *accidentally clicks something*
me: *drags it across the screen so it can't open*

notadoctor:

Discussions with besties

Gf: babe come over
Me: I'm eating garlic bread
Gf: I'm horny and my parents aren't home
Me: it's the kind that's covered in cheese

marinasexual:

THE WORST FEELING EVER IS WHEN YOURE SO ENTHUSIASTIC TELLING SOMEONE SOMETHING AND YOU CAN JUST PHYSICALLY FEEL THEM NOT CARING AT ALL SO YOU TRY HARDER BUT YOU JUST CANNOT GRASP THEIR ATTENTION SO YOU SLOWLY FADE OUT AND LET THEM GO BACK TO DOING WHAT THEY DO AND YOU WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL THEM SOMETHING YOU’RE HAPPY ABOUT

shrekjpeg:

me: goes to see someones blog

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me: actually u kno what nvm

a-dur:

onefitmodel:

realising that we’re almost halfway through the year 2013 and i have literally achieved nothing 

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realising that you’re reading this almost halfway trough 2014 and still haven’t achieved nothing

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trillow:

"hello 911 i’d like to report a murder in th-" "haha, wow you’re a little snitch. hold on a sec. HEY DAVE, CHECK OUT THIS FUCKIN SNITCH ON LINE THREE"

roseisreturning:

mermaids don’t have thigh gaps but they can still lure men to their deaths

opalesent:

I want 0 responsibilities and a lot of lingerie

reblogmyselfie:

oh looks its i hate myself o’clock

bitrates:

It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

bombing:

noseblow:

bombing:

i’m on a seafood diet. i only eat seafood

that’s not how the joke goes lmao

do my weight loss goals seem like a fucking joke to you

bloody-nips:

when you accidentally make a baby cry and you don’t know what to do to get it to stop

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pochamarama:

"You think he’s cute? Have you tried telling him?"

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Yes

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